Valentine Chocolate for everyone!

I wonder if love for parents is an obligation for me. Especially with my mother. I can recall several moments where I found her character to be unbearable. Ever since a few years ago, I've been encountering her with a third person in mind. An intangible, other worldly me that follows me around everywhere and evaluates my encounters. Each with as little vanity and bias as possible.

I should keep a detailed entry of that for future reference. Curse my shallow and short memory.

I want to live for the sake of living. I want to live a life of my own.

I feel like I'm stuck in a trash heap. Renovations have been completed in my house, I've organized everything to what I can, and I still live in a place of ill-matched convenience. I have no privacy and no say.

Hold on. Just more day. Take the next step and fight back. Do I have the right to make these selfish demands if I can't even motivate myself to try and change? What steps must I do to lay my foundation?

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A few things that peaked my interest:
- Akavar 20/50 (not so much as I want to try, but because of the so called 'revolution' in diet pills - I'm going to check up on this a few months from now and see how many ppl got sick beause of this)
- go-natural (i think i saw this at a women's show and tried it out...it worked conveniently well)

I will get my results for my evaluations and testing on the last day of January. The past few days of testing, the doctor praised my thinking and even siad she was excited for me. I believe she's exaggarating too much. I ponder just how many high school graduates she tests. They are all not part of 'the norm', because they're going to see the same doctor. So out of those being evaluated by the doctor, the very same doctor who is praising me, shouldn't really...should she?

I'm starting so see why people behave the way the do around me. They're always cautious, nurturing and giving advice when I didn't ask for it. For the longest time, I thought there was something weird with me that made them like that. And yah, I definately was the cause.

So here's a little something that I hope will clear a few things:
I'm an introvert. Don't know what that is? Look it up. But in short, I am a person completely content by my self and my lonesome. I'd rather be reading a book, or writing, or even daydreaming. I don't do them because I'm lonely or anti-social or even lazy, I do them because that's me and I like it. Introverts tend to do solitary activities like that, you know. Introverts on a social level are not lonely. I think people mislabel me as a loner, geek, or nerd simply because they don't see me with people. I see people and their groups and I instantly recognise their social pattern - which, most of the time, does not interest me. Just because you don't see me socializing, does not mean I'm not anti-social. I talk and mingle when I want to, and sometimes, I admit, being at a party exhaust me. I don't like small talk, but I give an effort just for the sake of getting to know a person. I perfer conversations that have more depth...but at the moment, I don't think I am very intelligent to know what is depth, so I'm intimidated and then feel red and stupid...

Enough.

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Renovation at my house is slow. Dust is everywhere and it's as thick as a smog. I've been invading my god-sister's house for the past couple of days to get my work done. I'm so behind, but for some reason I'm able to do more work there in a day, than anywhere in a week. I wish I can live there. Actaully, I wish I can live by myself. Damn you, empty pocket book. Should I find a million dollars under my tree, I - oh wait, I don't have a Christmas tree.

I've been crunching some numbers of senerios and possible future paths. I came to an obvious conclusion that a jobless 18-year old cannot afford it.
So I need some help.

Don't worry, it's not a scam, and I'm not asking you to pay anything either. My request: please help me to get a laptop (by clicking below and signing up - just input your email or something).

http://laptops.freepay.com/?r=40316287

I'll be forever grateful because you saved me a lot of money that would've gone to this, rather than tuition and housing. Thanks.

Finally. I'm back to my rusting home where the thrill of a new place finally leaves me. Osaka is too high-maintainance - so glad I'm out. I lost a bit of weight in Cambodia, I believe and hope. The evidence is in the pictures, but I gained them all back when I came home and during HK.

A letter came to me today. It was addressed to me. The writing was fimiliar with no return address. To my surprise and disappointment, the letter was from me four years ago. Ms. Shean back then told all grade nine's to write a letter to themselves of four years in the future. I guess everyone got there's now.

So here's a couple of things from myself four years past:
- I knew I would be in financial worry so I mailed myself 5 dollars
- My writing has improved...aesthetically anyways
- I wrote like a ditz, so I'm confident this was before my depression
- I can see where I began to have my unhealthy perfectionism/ambitious personality trait...all I talked about was goals and 'Pray.Until.Something.Happens. - P.U.S.H. Yourself!'
- I brainstormed what career choices I wanted to be and the list is exactly as the one I have this second. I'm back to where I started!! Meaning I've spent high school exploring the wrong field and have no info on any of the ones I really wanted.
- I drew a couple of stuff and glad to know I have improved.
- "At least you can drive now right?" read the last sentence. Haha.
- "Spend more time with friends." read the Post Script. How could I loose sight of that...?

Conclusion: I was a dillusioned freshman, but with good insights of the future. I lost my way and now I'm starting over. Am I happy? No. I'm not happy.

Why i love Osaka? Why do i lurve Japan?
It is clean, organized, stylish and respectful.
Everyone is classy and pretty. Everything is beautiful, useful and necessary - a department store called loft has an entire floor dedicated to stationary and philip said using the word 'fetish' to describe my lurve for japanese print is wrong. He told me what it means and....yes, it is a bit off...

I want a kimono! They're so purrrrtieee - but I have convinced myself to budget my allowance so that I can buy clothes and gifts. *sigh* =(

Wishing you all were here.

Anyways, we're out for dinner again...l8r!

Hello Hello Hello
I'm studying physics and researching geothermal energy at the library. Hope to see some fimiliar faces soon. miss u.

Now, I got into a bad habit of detailing the tree for the pillar. So that's 3 hours down the drain doing something that's not even viewable to the naked eye. Crap.


When I finally started to paint the hair - omfgoodness - it turned out the wrong color. It was sooo disgusting! The red in my draft was NOTHING like the red on the pillar. I tried mixing. Yellow did not work. Orange did not work. Brown did not work. Burgandy did not work. Black did not work.

Until finally I blotched the entire hair piece out with white. Now, the pillar has no leaves, hair, and a chunk of the branches is missing.

Crap. Crap. Crap.

I'm so tired.